Pregnancy Questions

We all are familiar with bad parents, those that are critical of their children, intolerant, and self-absorbed. But how can you be a good parent? What do you need to do to give your children the very best start to life that you possibly can?

In the 1960’s John Bowlby did a lot of work looking into the effects of parenting on children. In those days he coined the term “good-enough parenting”. His thesis was that provided you avoided the sins of “bad” parenting, you were doing okay, and your children, with their own natural resilience, would also do okay. So is that all there is to it? Or are there things that you, as a parent, can do to be more than just a “good enough” parent. Can you, indeed, be a “super parent”, even the “ultimate” parent? Or is that just a myth of the feminist movement?

Well, let’s get one thing straight once and for all: No one is perfect. Try as you might, you will never be a “perfect” parent. You will never get it right every moment of every day for every year of your children’s growing lives. Nor do you need to. In that sense, Bowlby’s concept of “good enough” is very true. You do not need to be perfect. Your kids WILL survive. “Good enough” is good enough

But, I suspect that you probably want more for your kids than just average. I strongly believe that there are things you can do, and attitudes you can adopt, that will give your children the very best start to life they could possibly have. And, at the same time, will actually make life easier and more fulfilling for yourself too. It is not a long list, but if you can manage the following, then I believe you have every right to call yourself the “ultimate” parent:

1) Recognize you are human. You cannot do everything, you cannot be everywhere, you cannot know everything. You will make mistakes. You also have your own issues, problems and hang-ups from your own past. That is all okay. The key to this game is not being perfect, but having the right attitude.

What is the right attitude? Being humble. Recognising that you have much to learn (we all do) and being willing to be teachable and to learn from your mistakes. A sign of genuine maturity is being able to look back at your past, recognize the mistakes you made, and say “this is what I have learned about myself, and what I need to work on changing in myself”.

Of course, there’s also a danger of constantly putting yourself down by telling yourself that you are no good. Allow yourself to occasional make mistakes and celebrate when you are successful. Only focus on the past as long as it takes you to learn and make changes, then move forward in the direction YOU want to go. Of course, if you have serious problems, get help.

2) Recognize you are playing a percentage game. We have all heard of them: the kids from the most abusive, deprived backgrounds who somehow manage to make huge successes of themselves. And the kids from the very best of families (as demonstrated by their siblings) who somehow go off the rails into drugs and crime.

The reality is that you, the parent, are only one factor in your children’s upbringing. They are also subject to influence from the friends, other relatives, teachers, shop keepers, TV, magazines and, of course, their own genetic makeup. You cannot control all the variables. You might be the very best, the ultimate parent, and yet your kids turn out as failures. You might be the very worst, alcoholic and abusive parent, and yet your kids do fine. Nothing in life is guaranteed.

This is why you play the percentages. Society has shown us that if you beat your children the odds are greater that they won’t turn out to be good adults. So you probably don’t want to beat them (even if you sometimes feel like it). The odds are much more in their favor if you are fair and consistent with your discipline.

By the way, successful parenting isn’t determined by how excellent your children end up being. Success for you and them means that you did the very best that you could with what you knew at the time. Some of those decisions were probably wrong when you look back, but that happens. If you didn’t try, and took the easy way every time without trying to determine how your decision would affect the children, then I do believe that you failed. That holds true even if your lazy decision ended up being right.

3) Remain aware that you have other people and things in your own life. Too many of us these days start thinking that children come before anything or anyone else. I agree that we must think of what’s best for them, but we have to keep other things in mind as well.

It may be, for instance, that taking a new job in a different city might be the best thing for your family - even if it means taking your child away from his school and friends.

Continually putting the children first leads to the creation of self-centered and selfish beings who always believe that the world owes them a living. Taking second place sometimes is actually good for them, as it teaches them an important life lesson. Do continue considering the impact on the child with every decision, but follow your instincts as to what would be best for the whole family.

4) Always think about the long term. Raising your children doesn’t happen overnight, so keep your long-term aspirations in the forefront. What kind of adults to you want them to be, and what life skills will help them? What are the best experiences to help them develop strong characters and those skills?

Some times parents are faced with quick results or taking the longer, harder approach. Many times the longer approach, while more difficult short term, bears fruit in the long range. For instance, when kids are getting difficult or rowdy, it’s easy to turn to the TV as an easy babysitter, but most often your child wants your attention, the chance to sit with you and work on a puzzle, read a book or build a model.

5) Look for the positives. Like you, your children will make mistakes. Forgive them. Correct them gently and move on. Always be looking for what they did right, not what they did wrong. Children crave their parents’ attention. Pay attention to what they do wrong, and they will do more of it. Pay attention to what they do right, and they will be eager to please you more.

6) Stick to your guns. Believe in yourself. If you are doing all the above, then you are well on the right track. There will be times when you make decisions and you get challenged on them, either by your children, or by others (such as interfering relatives). Unless there genuinely are new facts that you weren’t aware of before, don’t be swayed. And don’t be afraid to say no - to your children and your relatives - if that is the right thing to say.

Your decisions won’t always be perfect. Sometimes you’ll make mistakes and wish you could change the results, but it’s far better to stick with your decisions than constantly be wishy-washy. Your children watch you and learn from your decision making and how you handle pressure. If you are consistent, your children will learn by your example.